When going to Church hurts

After Mass a few weeks ago, I encountered a parishioner who was feeling very hurt by the Church and specifically, a comment that made her feel unwelcome in the parish.

Her story made me recall many years ago when I was starting my career as a high school teacher.  I attended a small parish in the town where I was living and teaching. I was one of the few African Americans living in the town and it seemed like I was one of the only African American Catholics for hundreds of miles. Having said that, I never felt entirely welcome in the parish. I thought I was a fairly active member of the parish (Knights of Columbus and lector ministries were my favorites). Nonetheless, I often wondered if the pastor considered me a joy or an intrusion in his little church.

On leave – Not missing in action!

As a teacher, I often spent my summers traveling, visiting family and teaching at a summer program in another part of the country. So, though I attended Mass faithfully during the summer months, I rarely attended Mass in my parish of registration. Furthermore, I would inform the parish secretary of this each June and ask her not to schedule me as a lector until I returned in September. Year after year, she would accommodate my request in the spring and welcome me back to town warmly in the fall.

Well, one fall, I returned and was told that I would have to talk to the pastor in order to get back into the lector ministry. When I approached Father, he chastised me for my “sparse attendance at Mass.” Furthermore, he told me that I had no business on the altar if I did not bother to come to Mass regularly.

Judge not

Needless to say I was livid! Once I explained my circumstances, I think he understood and almost apologized. But, I was livid still. I told him, “What if I were sick, or lost my job and couldn’t come to church? Worse yet, what if I had actually lost faith as you suspected and did not find Mass important? As a pastor, couldn’t you have made a phone call before you removed me from the lector schedule?!”

Almost a lost sheep

I walked out and vowed never to return to that parish. Every Sunday, I drove an extra 15 miles to the next Catholic Church until I moved back to Washington a year later.  Furthermore, that is certainly not the only time in my life I have been hurt by the Church.

Now that I am older, wiser and more grounded in my faith, I wonder how many others have walked away not just from a parish but from the entire Catholic Church because of a negative experience such as the one I described. On the other end of the spectrum, I wonder about those who have experienced far worse than a judgmental pastor and how impossible healing may seem to some of them.

A step toward healing

Consider the following poem that was given to me a few years ago after a hurtful experience with our beloved Church. What do you think about it?

How much I must criticize you, my church, and yet how much I love you!

You have made me suffer more than anyone and yet I owe more to you than to anyone.

I should like to see you destroyed and yet I need your presence.

You have given me much scandal and yet you alone have made me understand holiness.

Never in this world have I seen anything more compromised, more false, yet never have I touched anything more pure, more generous or more beautiful.

Countless times I have felt like slamming the door of my soul in your face—and yet, every night, I have prayed that I might die in your sure arms!

No, I cannot be free of you, for I am one with you, even if not completely you.
Then too — where would I go? To build another church? But I could not build one without the same defects, for they are my defects.

And again, if I were to build another church, it would be my church, not Christ’s church. No, I am old enough, I know better.”

– Carlo Carretto

In honor of St.Matthias

Today is the feast of St. Matthias, who was elected to replace Judas as one of the Apostles. In his homily for the feast, Archbishop Wuerl pointed out that before Matthias became an apostle he was a disciple and so all of us have that in common with him. If we are disciples than we are people with a mission and all of us share the same mission–to bear Christ to the world. What makes discipleship so beautiful is that all of us do that in quite different and unique ways.

Sharing in the teaching ministry of Christ

A few months back I wrote about nominations for the Golden Apple Award which recognizes excellence among Catholic School teachers. Last night I was able to join the celebration of the ten educators who received 2010 Golden Apples.  Each of the recipients are pretty impressive, from the  twenty-two year veteran in the kindergarten classroom to the former volunteer with Blessed Theresa and the Missionary of Charities who now teaches Catholic social teaching at Archbishop Carroll High School. All of the winners spoke of their job as a vocation and Archbishop Wuerl commented on a second common characteristic–they all share in the teaching ministry of Christ.

Chipping away until there is nothing but Christ

Archbishop Wuerl told the story of the students of Michelangelo who asked the great master how, when he faced the huge block or marble that became the Pieta,  did he ever imagine the figure of Christ. He is said to have replied, “I chipped away until I had nothing but Christ.”  The Archbishop suggested that the teaching vocation is in part the work of forming disciples by chipping away all that is not Christ.

The universal call to holiness

This “chipping away” is not just the work of teachers, but of all who take seriously the spiritual life. Some of our un-Christ-like attitudes and habits can seem as impenetrable as a piece of marble and yet if we can carry in our minds an image of the Christ who lives within us, we may be more brave about picking up the chisel.  Chipping away also reminds us that the spiritual life is a work in progress, we ought not to rush it by seeking that “big moment of conversion” or become complacent that we have arrived. Imagine if the Pieta was just the figure of our Blessed Mother?

Read more about our Golden Apple winners

 

Spring Cleaning

You know that blog I wrote last month about bikinis? The one that started an in-depth conversation about modesty? No one wants to be a hypocrite…but until last weekend I kind of was. Let me explain.

I was doing some spring cleaning in my closet last weekend and came across a little black dress that I own. I purchased it about a year and a half ago while shopping with a non-Christian friend of mine who convinced me that it looked “hot” and that I should buy it. So I did, though I had never worn it.

Last weekend I tried it on again and stood in front of the mirror. My conversation with myself went something like this:

“Hm, it certainly is fitted. Do I look a hooker? Well, I would never wear it in public. But my future husband might like it! He might…or he might think I look like a hooker. Do I really want to present myself to him like this? I mean, I don’t feel very feminine. In fact, I kind of feel like a hooker. Well, maybe I should give it away to charity. Geez, it was $109! Bummer. Well, at least it’s going to charity. Wait, do I really want someone else to look like a hooker?? Not really. So do I just throw it away? Geez, I’ve never even worn it! But I guess that’s the best thing to do.”

As the pile of black satin sat at the bottom of my trashcan, all I could see was $109 going down the drain.

I called this blog “Spring Cleaning” though “Virtue in Progress” would also have been appropriate. In every season of our life, we are called to reflect on who we are and who we want to be. As Christians, we want to more and more closely resemble Christ. Little by little, we make changes to live a more authentic Christian life.  For me, this has meant fine-tuning the virtue of modesty.

Quitting bad habits that we’ve nurtured for years is tough. Ending destructive relationships that we are so comfortable in is tough. Plugging up the venomous words that come out of our mouth is tough.

What do you have in the “closet” of your life that needs to be thrown out?

Or, what tools do you have in the “toolbox” of your life that don’t work anymore or need their edges sharpened?

“No one pours new wine into old wineskins.” – Mark 2:22

Spring is here so get cleaning, and allow the Risen Christ to draw you to Himself!

Disciples on a Mission

 When I first arrived in Rome to do my doctoral studies, I would test how my Italian was coming along by seeing how long it would take me to recognize the Gospel that was being proclaimed at Mass. Because the Scripture is so familiar, even my rudimentary Italian was god enough to help me place the passage. I clearly remember the day the Gospel was the Beatitudes, three or four sentences into that and I was on board!

The practice of Lectio Divina is another way to come to Scripture with fresh eyes and ears. Last week the Gospel was John’s discourse on the vine and the branches and it is one of those passages that makes it so easy to stop listening because we know how it goes. I used this passage in my Lectioand I heard verse 5 in a way I had never heard before. It reads”by this my father is glorified that you bear much fruit AND(emphasis mine) become my disciples.”  It implies that discipleship is dependent on bearing fruit or in more contemporary language:discipleship is dependent on doing something by way of building the kingdom of God!

Baptized into the priestly, prophetic and kingly mission

We speak of entering into Jesus’ life though baptism. It is here that we are claimed for Christ and become disciples. Jesus suggestshowever that though the seed of discipleship may have been planted, it needs to bear fruit in order to really claim discipleship. My prayer led me to ask the question where am I bearing the fruit of my discipleship? A second question– given my job as Executive Director of Evangelization and Family Life– is how are the disciples of the Archdiocese of Washington bearing fruit. I saw some evidence this in action in a really powerful way in Prince Georges County.

On a Mission in Prince George’s County

Throughout the archdiocese we have Justice and Advocacy Councils that are made up of  lay Catholics who bring the Gospel to bear on issues affecting the counties in which they live. I was invited to speak at the monthly meeting of the advocacy council that serves Prince Georges County. Fifteen of its members gathered for Mass, working groups and reflection. The working groups are determined by issues the group feels are critical to the county and represent an opportunity to give witness and testimony to the Gospel and the church’s concern for the world.

Pornography, Housing and Domestic Violence

At present the three working groups are addressing issues related to pornography, affordable housing in the Langley Park area and awareness on resources and funding to help victims of domestic violence. I can’t tell you how impressed I was with the commitment, seriousness and breadth of knowledge with which they are working. The group working on pornography is focused on an adult book store that is open 24/7 and certainly not making a positive contribution to community life. The group has coordinated a prayer vigil in front of the store and it is researching commercial codes to see if it may be in violation of local law. At the same time it is building support for federal funding for an Internet safety program for local schools(both public and private). Each of the other groups are also working a number of different angles related to their issues.  I think this is what Jesus has in mind when he speaks about glorifying his Father by bearing fruit and becoming disciples.

Gaudium et Spes

The Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World begins “the joy and hope, the grief and anguish of the men of our time, especially those who are poor or afflicted in any way, are the joy and hope, the grief and anguish of the believers of Christ as well.” The Justice and Advocacy Councils make this real. Members of our councils testify locally and in front of the state legislature.  Another action item at the meeting was the preparation of a list of questions for an upcoming candidates forum. The coucnils and with them, the archdiocese carry  alot of weight with local and state officials and leaders, certainly not because they always find themselves on the same side of an  issue but rather that the officials recognize in many cases these lay people are advocating on issues that don’t directly affect them. In many, many cases they are advocating on behalf of people who have no voice.  This is a powerful witness and testimony. Though I was asked to educate, inspire and inform, I think I was the one who left the meeting most inspired. 

Spotlight on the Parish

I have been wanting to start a regular series on parish life and what great work is being done in our parishes and this is the perfect place to start. Please let me know what kinds of things you might like to learn about our parishes and don’t hesitate to send me good ideas and leads.  

“Spiritual Cross Training”

Recently, I had invited a friend of mine who had fallen away from the Church to come to Mass. It was probably the first time he had been to Mass in three or four years. After Mass, he said to me, “I probably won’t come back – This did nothing for me.”

I am out of shape – It takes time to get back into shape

As it turns out, this friend and I are training together for a 5K race in July. We have been diligent about keeping a workout schedule and holding each other accountable. When he said that church does nothing from him I helped him to recall the beginning of our training a few weeks prior. I said, “Neither of us had run a yard in 10 years. What if we tried to run 3 miles in 24 minutes, failed miserably and then concluded ‘running does nothing for me?’” Really, if I haven’t run in years, how can I expect to be able to benefit from the sport in the first workout?  Can I run around my neighborhood for five minutes and get on a scale and lament – “I haven’t lost any weight yet!”?

Spiritual Workout

The practice of our faith is a spiritual workout.  If you only go to church on Easter and Christmas, how could you possibly expect to be in good spiritual shape?  If you don’t make prayer a habit, how can you expect to benefit from the exercise?

I have NEVER in my life run a 5K race. I thought it was out of my reach. But, by running only a mile for the first week, then a mile and a quarter the next and so on, I slowly learned that completing a 5K is attainable. On occasion, I dare think that perhaps a marathon is somewhere in my future.

Even a marathon starts with a small step

For those who have fallen away from the Church, I imagining returning to spiritual shape is a similar process. I image that for some, the process of turning one’s life over to Christ is a process that starts with one mile, then a mile and a quarter and so on……

I am still working on my friend. I would love to hear how some of you are working to get some of our brothers and sisters back into spiritual shape.

[Catholic] Kids Say the Darndest Things!

My sister was telling me that a few weeks ago she was at Mass with her 4 year old, Nora. When they began to sing the Holy, Holy, Holy Nora said “This is my favorite song!”

My sister said, “Why?”

Nora replied, “It about my favorite food! The one that I eat aaaaall up whenever you make it!”

My sister was confused and asked her to clarify.

“Lasagna in the Highest!!”

🙂

What is your favorite [Catholic] kids say the darndest things moment?

When the Catholic imagination finds the right words

I imagine that for parents one of the most difficult teaching moments is helping a young child understand death, particularly the death of someone they love. Singer-songwriter Natalie Merchant (if you are of a certain age, you may remember her from her 10,000 Maniacs days) found herself in just this position with her young daughter. Natalie’s closest friend who spent a lot of time with the Merchant family died and in the midst of her own pain she was looking for ways to talk about death with her daughter. She used Spring and Fall, a poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins and her music to create a hauntingly beautiful song. Take a listen. *

 Márgarét, are you grieving

Over Goldengrove unleaving?

Leáves like the things of man, you

With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?

Áh! Ás the heart grows older

It will come to such sights colder

By and by, nor spare a sigh

Through worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;

And yet you will weep and know why.

Now no matter, child the name:

Sórrow’s springs áre all the same.

Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed

What heart heard of, ghost guessed:

It ís the blight man was born for,

It is Márgarét your mourn for.

 Priest and Poet

Gerard Manley Hopkins, a 19th century Welsh poet “discovered” Catholicism through the writings of John Henry Newman and it was Newman who received him into the Church. He then entered the Society of Jesus and was ordained a Jesuit in 1877. Hopkins the priest and poet wrote what some call the best poetry of the Victorian era. Hopkins believed “that the world is charged with the grandeur of God” and has gift for looking at life through the eyes of God.

Merchant has produced an album called Leave Your Sleep that uses children’s poetry to help youngsters make sense of life’s most vexing challenges. In Hopkins’s poem she finds both the right feeling and the right images to guide a child through the loss of someone they love.

The Timelessness of the Catholic Tradition

I don’t know how Natalie found her way to Hopkins or whether she is a person of faith. I do know that the wisdom of the Catholic tradition is a wisdom for the ages. Catholic poetry of the Victorian era can find a home in religious books and in the music of a rocker turned Mom. Stories like this remind me of the evangelizing power of our faith which has always used art, music, poetry and drama as tools for evangelization. We need to take every advantage through preaching, teaching, faith sharing, storytelling, book groups and personal reading to acquaint ourselves with Catholic artists and be proud about pointing out when they or their work comes up in conversation that it is the work of the Catholic mind and spirit.

*(unfortunately, I can’t find a complete copy of the recording on-line.)

Is Sexual Abuse a Catholic Problem Only? (or) How Spotlights Leave Many Other Things in Darkness.

Recent revelations of clergy sex abuse cases here and abroad have caused great distress among the people of God. There is simply no excuse for such offenses that can satisfy, and there should not be. The crime is bad enough but further charges of cover up cause even more distress and anger.

But while the Church remains in the media focus, questions should also arise in the minds of all observers.

  1. Is the Church the only place where such things take place?
  2. Are the Church and Catholic Clergy worse offenders than, say, non-Catholic denominations and clergy, or public schools, or sports teams, scouting and the like?
  3. Are celibate Catholic clergy more likely to offend than married men?
  4. Are Catholic settings more dangerous for children than non Catholic or secular ones?

Many have quickly (and I would say unfairly) concluded that the answers to questions like these would generally be “yes.” For them this is a reason to stay away from Church. Or,  for those who dislike and distrust the Church it helps them to become even more hardened in their aversion. But are all these charges against the Church fair? Are there no distinctions to be made? Is the exclusive focus on things Catholic appropriate?

Timothy Radcliff, O.P. the former Master of the Dominican Order has written a thoughtful essay in The Tablet entitled Should I Stay or Should I  Go? I would like to print excerpts here and make my own comments in RED. I encourage you to read the whole article by clicking on the blue title in the previous sentence.

Why stay? First of all, why go? Some people feel that they can no longer remain associated with an institution that is so corrupt and dangerous for children. The suffering of so many children is indeed horrific. They must be our first concern. Nothing that I will write is intended in any way to lessen our horror at the evil of sexual abuse. But the statistics for the US, from the John Jay College of Criminal Justice in 2004, suggest that Catholic clergy do not offend more than the married clergy of other Churches. Some surveys even give a lower level of offence for Catholic priests. They are less likely to offend than lay school teachers, and perhaps half as likely as the general population. Celibacy does not push people to abuse children. The general media present a very myopic picture by focusing almost exclusively on the Catholic Church. Our offenses are real but so are offenses in other sectors which do not make the news. The fact is the sexual abuse of minors is a worldwide problem made even more extreme by the promiscuous and hypersexualized culture in which we live, especially in the West. Children are often sexualized in movies and advertisements. Women for example have  commented extensively on the pages of this blog how hard it is  even to buy modest clothes for their daughters.  Further, children are exposed to sexual imagery far too early. Both adults and children are inundated by sexual imagery and boundaries are very poor in western culture. In the “old days” young people were chaperoned and there was greater emphasis on modesty. We cannot single out the Church. The sexual abuse of minors is a global problem that cuts across every sector and segment of the human family.

 It is simply untrue to imagine that leaving the Church for another denomination would make one’s children safer.  We must face the terrible fact that the abuse of children is widespread in every part of society. To make the Church the scapegoat would be a cover-up.….. (Here too, the Criminal Justice System is also to blame. During the same era of the 1950s-1980s too many sexual predators were let off easy. This included rapists. Even today, there are many egregious sex offenders walking our streets. Many have long track records and yet get out early. Recently,  two women were killed by a sex offender who was out of jail. He had a track record a mile long and yet he walked freely. Why? So if the Church took such things far too lightly that is wrong. But psychologists, therapists, judges and juries also stand accused. The Church has adopted a zero tolerance policy but our criminal justice system still has too many holes. When will attention turn there?).

But what about the Vatican? Pope Benedict has taken a strong line in tackling this issue as prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (CDF) and since becoming Pope. Now the finger is pointed at him….I am morally certain that he bears no blame here. (As the evidence continues to unfold it looks as if Cardinal Ratzinger was one who took this matter more seriously that others and for this reason the matter was remanded to his care. Remember that he had a very strong reputation (and was hated by some for it) of being the enforcer-in-chief!)

It is generally imagined that the Vatican is a vast and efficient organisation. In fact it is tiny. The CDF only employs 45 people, dealing with doctrinal and disciplinary issues for a Church which has 1.3 billion members, 17 per cent of the world’s population, and some 400,000 priests. When I dealt with the CDF as Master of the Dominican Order, it was obvious that they were struggling to cope. Documents slipped through the cracks. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger lamented to me that the staff was simply too small for the job.. People are furious with the Vatican’s failure to open up its files and offer a clear explanation of what happened. Why is it so secretive? Angry and hurt Catholics feel a right to transparent government. I agree. But we must, in justice, understand why the Vatican is so self-protective…..Confidentiality is…a consequence of the Church’s insistence on the right of everyone accused to keep their good name until they are proved to be guilty. This is very hard for our society to understand, whose media destroy people’s reputations without a thought   (Some of the most important work of the Church has to include an expectation of confidentiality. Every day people in my parish tell me of things that are going on in their lives. Many of these things are of a sensitive and personal nature. I have no right to share this  information freely. If there is a serious crime involved and I learn of this matter outside the confessional I do have reporting obligations. But 99.9% of what I am told has nothing to do with crime. As a priest confidentiality, discretion and respect for people’s reputations is paramount. The secrecy of the confessional is absolute. Professional confidentiality while not absolute is expansive and people would never come to me or the Church if they felt that their information would be freely shared or that files with their personal data etc would be freely opened to a nosey media and a demanding state. Covering up a serious crime is a crime. But calling the Church secretive because we do not open our files without limit is unfair. The Church is not secretive. Rather, we are deeply respectful of the privacy and reputation of people who often come to us in their weakness and struggles. A few years ago media and government officials demanded the right to search our priest personnel files without any limits. But that is unjust. I, for example, have never offended sexually. I have never violated my celibate commitment. I have never committed any crime. This is true of almost every priest I have known. It is unfair and unjust to demand that my files be open to anyone who asks. Even though I have nothing to hide, I do have a right to privacy and that my personal files not be opened without warrant. It is the same with my lay employees at the parish and with any other personal information about parishioners).  

But what about the cover-up within the Church? Have not our bishops been shockingly irresponsible in moving offenders around, not reporting them to the police and so perpetuating the abuse? Yes, sometimes. But the great majority of these cases go back to the 1960s and 1970s, when bishops often regarded sexual abuse as a sin rather than also a pathological condition, and when lawyers and psychologists often reassured them that it was safe to reassign priests after treatment. It is unjust to project backwards an awareness of the nature and seriousness of sexual abuse which simply did not exist then

Why go? If it is to find a safer haven, a less corrupt church, then I think that you will be disappointed. I too long for more transparent government, more open debate, but the Church’s secrecy is understandable, and sometimes necessary…. And so the Church is stuck with me whatever happens. We may be embarrassed [at times] to admit that we are Catholics, but Jesus kept shameful company from the beginning. (Yes, in the end the Church is not a “haven for saints” only but is also a “hospital for sinners.” Many of the Pharisees of Jesus time were scandalized at the company he kept. Jesus said, those who are well do not need a doctor but the sick do, but I have come to call sinners (Mk 2:17). So the Church is a hospital. And what do we find in a hospital? We find care, medicine, treatment, healing and love. But we also find disease, hurt, heartache, pain, and even death. So in the Church is to be observed great holiness, healing, love and beauty. But in the same Church is to be found sin, sorrow, heartache, sinners and other unpleasant matters. Thank God that Jesus is not ashamed to call us his brethren and to be found in our company! (Heb 2:11))

So, to be fair there is sin in the Church, and we have handled many disciplinary matters poorly. But again, to be fair, we are not alone in this. The spotlight is on us to be sure. But spotlights have a way of leaving many other things in darkness. There are serious problems elsewhere in our society as regards the sexual abuse of minors. Scrutiny is needed everywhere. For the sins of the Church, Lord have mercy! For the sin of the whole world, Christ have mercy. For the sins of our own hearts, Lord have mercy.