What Attachments Are and What They Are Not

070214For most of us, attachments to this world are THE struggle that most hinders our spiritual growth. 80% of the spiritual life is a battle about desire and the fundamental question, “What do you want most, the world and its pleasures, or God and his Kingdom?” So easily this world gets its hooks into us and we become attached to it. It is hard to break free from inordinate desires.

But what are attachments, and what are they not? Are there ways we can distinguish attachments from ordinary and proper desires? What are the signs that we are too attached to someone or something? To address questions like these, I want to turn to a great teacher of mine in matters spiritual, Fr. Thomas Dubay. Father died a few years ago, but he left us a great legacy of teaching through his books, audio recordings, and programs at EWTN. In addressing these questions, I would like to summarize what he teaches in his spiritual classic, Fire Within, in which he expounds on the teachings of St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross.

The following excerpts are from pages 133-135 of Fr. Dubay’s book. Father’s teaching is shown in bold, black italics. My remarks are presented in plain, red text. You may wish to read only the excerpts from Fr. Dubay’s text to begin with, and then only read my commentary if you want some elaboration.

I. WHAT ATTACHMENT IS NOT:  Sometimes it is easier to say what a thing is not than what it is. Fr. Dubay disabuses us of some wrongful and sometimes puritanical notions that are neither biblical nor Catholic, since they reject as bad what God has made as good and as a blessing. Scripture says, God created [things] to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth. For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving (1 Tim 4:3-4).

  1. First of all, attachment is not the experiencing of pleasure in things, not even keen, intense pleasure. The complete avoidance of pleasure is neither possible nor advisable in human life … There is no doubt that the pleasures of the five senses easily lead to a selfish clinging to them for their own sakes, but nonetheless, the pleasures themselves are not blameworthy. God made them, and they are good.

The remarks here are very balanced. Of itself, taking pleasure in what God has made is a kind of thanksgiving and surely an appreciation of what God has created and given.

Yet, due to our fallen nature, we must be cautious that our experience of pleasure, like all our passions, does not become unruly, improperly directed, or take on a life of its own. If we are not mindful, pleasures can divert our attention from the Giver (and His purpose) to the gift alone.

Consider that a husband properly enjoys intense pleasure in his intimate experiences with his wife. Correctly understood, he can hardly fail to enjoy this, other things being equal. But these intimate moments have a meaning beyond themselves. They summon him to greater intimacy, appreciation, and love for his wife and ultimately for the God who created her. Further, these moments draw him to share his love and appreciation through an openness to the fruit this love will bear in his children.

Hence, the gift of intimacy is wonderful and to be enjoyed to the fullest, but it is not an end in itself. When it becomes its own end and exists in our mind only for its own sake, we are on the way to attachment and idolatry.

  1. Nor is possessing or using things an attachment to them. We must all make use of things in this world to accomplish what God has given us to do. God is surely pleased to equip us with what we need to do His will, to build the Kingdom, and to be of help to others.
  2. Nor is being attracted, even mightily attracted, to a beautiful object or person an unhealthy attachment. As a matter of fact, we should be drawn to the splendors of creation, for that is a compliment to the supreme Artist. Saints were and are strongly attracted to the glories of the divine handiwork and especially to holy men and women, the pinnacles of visible creation.

A gift we should pray for is the gift of wonder and awe, wherein we appreciate and are joyful in God’s glory displayed not only in the greatest and most visible things, but also in the smallest and most hidden. We are also summoned to a deep love of, appreciation for, and attraction to the beauty, humor, and even quirkiness displayed in one another.

But here, too, these things are meant to point to God; they are not ends in themselves. It sometimes happens that we fail to connect the dots, as St. Augustine classically describes here: “Late have I loved you, O Beauty, so ancient, and yet so new! Too late did I love You! For behold, You were within, and I without, and there did I seek You; I, unlovely, rushed heedlessly among the things of beauty You made. You were with me, but I was not with You. Those things kept me far from You, which, unless they were in You, would not exist” (Confessions 10.27).

So, once again, to be attracted by beauty is, of itself, good. But it is not an end; it is a sign pointing to the even greater beauty of God and His higher gifts.

II. WHAT ATTACHMENT IS:  St. John of the Cross [observes] that if anyone is serious about loving God totally, he must willingly entertain no self-centered pursuit of finite things sought for themselves, that is, devoid of honest direction to God, our sole end and purpose. St. Paul makes exactly the same point when he tells the Corinthians that whatever they eat or drink, or whatever else they do they are to do all for the glory of God … (1 Cor 10:31)

St John of the Cross explicitly states that he is speaking of voluntary desires and not natural ones‚ for the latter are little or no hindrance to advanced prayer as long as the will does not intervene with a selfish clinging. By natural desires the saint has in mind, for example, a felt need for water when we are thirsty, for food when hungry, for rest when fatigued. There is no necessary disorder in experiencing these needs … to eradicate these natural inclinations and to mortify them entirely is impossible in this life.

Of course even natural desires can become unruly and exaggerated to the point that we seek to overly satisfy them and they become ends in themselves. Fr. Dubay makes this point later on. St. Paul also lamented that there were some whose god was their belly and who had their mind set only on worldly things (cf Phil 3:19).

[More problematic and] especially damaging to normal development are what John calls, “habitual appetites,” that is, repeated and willed clingings to things less than God for their own sake. And here we come to some critical distinctions.

[W]e may ask when a desire becomes inordinate and therefore harmful. I would offer three clear signs.

  1. The first is that the activity or thing is diverted from the purpose God intends for it. This is very common today with sex and with many matters related to the body.
  2. The second sign is excess in use. As soon as we go too far in eating, drinking, recreating, speaking, or working, we show that there is something disordered in our activity. We cannot honestly direct to the glory of God what is in excess of what He wills. Hence, a person who buys more clothes than needed is attached to clothing. One who overeats is clinging selfishly to food.

Yes, beer, for example, is a sign that God loves us and wants us to be happy. A couple of beers is gratitude; ten beers is a betrayal. God gives in abundance to be sure, but He does so more that we can share with the needy and the poor than that we should cling to it selfishly as though it existed as its own end.

Sharing spreads God’s glory. As St Paul says, “All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God” (2 Cor 4:15). And later he says, “You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God” (2 Cor 9:11). Thus the abundance of God is directed to the spreading of His glory and to the widening of thanksgiving, not as an end in itself, that we should hoard it. God’s gifts point back to Himself.

  1. The third sign of attachment is making means into ends. We have one sole purpose in life: the ultimate, enthralling vision of the Trinity in glory, in our risen body. Everything else is meant in the divine plan to bring us and others to this final embrace with Beauty and Love … As soon as honesty requires us to admit that this eating or that travel, this television viewing or that purchase is not directly or indirectly aimed at Father, Son, and Spirit, we have made ourselves into an idol. We are clearly clinging to something created for our own self-centered sake.

This is often the hardest of the three to discern, but I think the heart of the difference between a thing becoming an end rather than a means, is the question of gratitude. How consciously grateful are we to God for the things and pleasures we enjoy? Do they intensify our gratitude or do they merely distract us from thinking about God?

Further, do they help me in my journey upward to God or do they merely root me more deeply in this passing world?

Another (scary) question is, “How easily could I give this up if I discovered that it was hindering me from God or that God no longer wanted it in my life?” This is hard because we really enjoy certain things. But the key question is not that we enjoy them, but whether they lead us to God. And we must be honest about this, avoiding both puritanical notions and self-justifying ones.

Here, too, an important thing to seek from God is not merely the strength to give up things (with a sour face and a bad attitude) but that through His grace we actually begin to prefer good things in moderation to distracting things in excess. If we let God go to work, the good begins to crowd out the bad in an incremental, growing way.

[Therefore:] an attachment is a willed seeking of something finite for its own sake. It is an unreal pursuit, an illusory desire. Nothing exists except for the sake of God who made all things for Himself. Any other use is a distortion.

12 Replies to “What Attachments Are and What They Are Not”

  1. “We have one sole purpose in life: the ultimate, enthralling vision of the HOLY TRINITY in glory, in our risen body. Everything else is meant in the divine plan to bring us and others to this final embrace with BEAUTY and LOVE.” If we truly have this in mind, we will never go wayward and seek ‘things’, things that we cannot even bring when we die and do things that we know do not reflect the vision and say things that do not magnify the profound. Oh, that I may always remember these so that, at last, I can have the integrity long before that was planned in me. That the attachments I will present to HIM are the goodness, by HIS Grace, I can return to HIM. YHWH EL SHADDAI!

  2. I never had a problem with the theology of detachment conceptually until I married. Now it seems impossible. Of course I am attached to my husband! And though I know marriage is the means that God wants to use to get us to heaven, still I love my husband simply for himself, and not just as my vehicle to salvation. But this seems to be contrary to this: “if anyone is serious about loving God totally, he must willingly entertain no self-centered pursuit of finite things sought for themselves. . .”

    1. “still I love my husband simply for himself, and not just as my vehicle to salvation”

      Maria, what do you mean by “Love”? Do you mean feelngs? Do you mean reciprocity? Perhaps the disconnect is how you view the love you hold for your husband? If your husband required a difficult surgery to save his life, but desperately wanted to avoid it, would you push the surgery or cave to the fear in order to stay in his favor? If he began doing sinful things, would you pray/counsel/admonish, knowing his immortal soul was in peril, or would you allow the behaviors and chalk them up to “quirks”. If you are all about feelings and not action, you have not truly discovered the wonder and beauty of what married love really is.

      Your love for your husband can be God-given and healthy if you put God at the center of it. If God is not in the marriage equation (1 you + 1 God + 1 husband = 1 Love), then you may have an attachment picture. Only you can know that for certain. Pray and search your heart in this matter.

      It is through putting God in the middle of your marriage that it becomes salvific. Leaving Him out of the picture can make your marriage a “thing”, and things can create attachments.

      1. I don’t mean feelings at all. Love is willing the good of the other. I will the good of my husband not simply for God’s sake, but for my husband’s sake too. But it seems that in the theology it is deficient to love my husband for himself and not only for God. Which begs the question: why aren’t religious vocations the ONLY vocation if you aren’t supposed to really love other people?

        1. Maria,

          If God loves your husband for himself as if he were the only one he loved, why can’t you love him that way? Obviously, God loves you the same way, as if you are the only one, and it does not diminish His love for either of you to love you this way. It should never be a contest between your husband and God though. that would suggest attachment. If you love God with as fierce a love as you can, He will give you the Grace to love your husband with as fierce a love as you can, too I bet.

          But God must always come first or you aren’t getting all the Grace He has to offer you in your marriage. Does that make sense?

    2. Maria, your husband is not an attachment. You and him are one in the eyes of GOD. ‘And for this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife and the two shall become one. Matt 19:5.’ And the two of you in your oneness even become profound when you put GOD in the center of your life. GOD Bless you and your family. YHWH SHEKINAH!

  3. Jesus said the foxes have holes but the son of man has no place to lay his head, but it was not homelessness that killed him, but in a way, it was. He lived by faith, He had no use for this world system, and did they ever hate Him for it. The devil says he will cause all to take his mark. How does he cause you to do something? By setting you up through dependency. People will take the mark thinking what choice do they have? If they want business as usual tomorrow they will take the mark today. They will do it for their family, they will do it because it is the responsible thing to do, they will take the mark of the beast because being homeless like Jesus is too great of a hardship to bear. They will take the mark and go and get drunk. You will die,unless Jesus returns first, the key is not to die stupid, to die for your bank account, or your house or your addictions. Jesus is freedom, the devil is slavery. If the world hates you and wants you dead, you should rejoice for you follow the right God. Nothing like confirmation

  4. This is a hard teaching to accept and to be honest about.
    Thank you Msgr as always for your clear explanation
    You have such a gift for teaching

  5. Thank you for sharing this very lucid description of worldly attachment. I had one comment. It seems too strong to say that an “attachment is a willed seeking of something finite for its own sake.” Rather, it seems that the better definition is that attachment is a willed seeking of something finite for its own sake AND ONLY FOR ITS OWN SAKE.

    We can will things for their own sake and also for the sake of God. For example, I can love my spouse for her own sake and also love her for the sake of God. It’s when I love her for her own sake and only for her own sake that I make her into an idol.

    But it seems incredibly important to our being able to love finite things properly that we love those things that are intrinsically valuable as such – that is that we love them for their own sake – but also direct them to God – and so love them also for the sake of God.

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