Archdiocese of Washington

The maker of all humans beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units (code named Adam and Eve) resulting in the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed “Sorrow Inducing Non-morality (S.I.N.). Some of the symptoms include:

1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of Origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
10. Sometimes the units are just plain mean.

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault  for this defect is providing factory-authorized repair and service, free of charge, to correct this defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most graciously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. Some of the following procedures will be necessary in this repair:

1. The disk in the heart component must be scrubbed clean of all viruses.
2. The mental component must be overwritten with new software, (especially WORD of God 3.0)  
3. Virus Protection software (such as Pure Eyes 2.0) must be installed to protect the unit from further damage.
4. Connection to the Maker of all all human beings (GOD) must be re-established through the restoration of communication software in the unit. This is done by installing COMMUNION 2.0 Software.
5. Communications protocols must be upgraded to make sure that the unit says “only the good things men need to hear” and to be sure the unit speaks only that which is true.

Please bring your unit to the nearest Catholic Parish for immediate service. While it is true that WORD of God 3.0 is available for immediate download, an interpretive key must be installed on site at the Catholic parish. Without this interpretive key, WORD of God 3.0 may not function properly in the unit. Further, scrubbing the disk of the heart component can only be done by an authorized technician as well as the installation of COMMUNION 2. 0 software. Jesus has personally authorized these technicians to do the work necessary to repair your unit.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to further dangers and problems and will result in the unit being permanently quarantined. For more information on avoiding  the “Hell sub-routine”  send a kneemail to Jesus at: Jesuspaiditall@oncalvary.org 

Please note that emergency service is always available. For information on the location of Catholic Churches and regular service hours go to www.masstimes.org

Please spread the word on this recall!